Bringing BDSM To The Bedroom

 

BDSM stands for bondage/discipline (BD), dominance/submission (DS), sadism/masochism (SM). There is a lot packed to those four little letters.] 

When it comes to what BDSM really is, though, there are some things you just can’t know until you’ve experienced them...so let’s talk about BDSM for beginners: what you need to know about BDSM and how to incorporate it into your sex life in a healthy way. 

Trust, communication, and consent are paramount.

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The first thing you should know about BDSM is that it’s not all whips and chains, handcuffs and begging, dominance and bondage…

First and foremost, BDSM is about the relationship. It’s about the connection, the trust, the bond, the experience had between two or more people who trust each other to fulfill sexual fantasies that may be a little out of the norm. 

Sometimes these fantasies include potentially harmful things, both psychologically and physically. From consensual non-consent which can be emotionally triggering to rope bondage that can be physically harmful if done wrong, there are a lot of things you need to know before diving in. 

Trust, communication, and consent are the three most important things in BDSM. 

You simply cannot have a healthy BDSM dynamic without trust. 
At the root of every BDSM dynamic, there is trust. There has to be. The relationship between a dom and a sub (whatever form that may take) is very intricate, intimate, and intense, at times. Underneath all of that, there has to be a distinct bond. 

Consent must be maintained at all times (even in “nonconsensual” activities). 
Let’s talk about consent for a hot minute. While I’m sure we all know what consent is, here is a refresher for those who need a more clear explanation. 

Maintaining consent can be easier than you think. 

1. Come up with a safeword. This is a word you or your partner can say at any time that means all activity stops immediately. Some people choose to use a “traffic light system”, where green means go, yellow means slow down/pause and red means stop. You can check out my guide to choosing safewords here. 

2. Come up with a safe gesture. You know...in case your mouth is busy. It happens! Whether you’re gagged and bound or just struggling to get a word out, coming up with a gesture (like tapping their arm, holding up three fingers, etc) is a great back up plan. 

3. Listen to your partner. When they use the safe word or gesture, stop immediately and check on them. In relationships where you know your partner well, you can also pay close attention to their body language during a scene or roleplay, and if you feel that they need to slow down or stop, act accordingly.

Communication is vital. 
Before you start with the exciting props, you should have lengthy conversations about what this means for each of you, what you expect to get out of these experiences, and what type of dom/sub you both would like to be. Going into this dynamic with a clear understanding of roles and desires is going to make it much easier to tackle things like hard and soft boundaries (which we’ll get into a bit later). 

Safety comes first. Always.

It’s very easy to get carried away in naughty fantasies about spanking, dirty talk, submission, dominance, bondage...it’s all very exciting - but safety always must come first. 

When entering into any BDSM scene, you should have certain protocols set up just in case either of you needs to stop or (in the worst-case scenario) if someone needs medical attention. 

Emergency plans.
You can create emergency plans and have them in place for when you do certain activities. For example, if you’re playing with ropes for bondage - have a pair of scissors nearby in case you or your partner are unable to do a certain bind that’s causing pain or restriction that’s too tight. If you’re experimenting with wax play, have a fire extinguisher nearby. 

Things like this will ensure you and your partner are safe, no matter what. 

What is SSC? What is RACK?
SSC stands for “safe, sane and consensual”. RACK stands for “risk-aware consensual kink”. These are two terms you will likely see a lot when researching BDSM activities. Because BDSM does sometimes include risks of harm (physically and emotionally/mentally), these things are put into place to ensure everyone is aware of the risks of and consent to all things that are going to happen.

Education is sexy. Educate yourself on BDSM terms…

Education is incredibly sexy. There’s even an entire kink dedicated to being sexually aroused by intelligence. Educating yourself on BDSM before getting into the scene and experimenting with a partner is the responsible, sexy thing to do. 

So, let’s jump into it! 

An intro to bondage…
Bondage is (typically) a form of play in which one person restrains the other for sexual pleasure, however, self-bondage can also be practiced during masturbation or solo play. 

For many people, bondage is about allowing another person to take control of your pleasure, whether you experience it, and how. According to Kinkly, bondage can involve anything from simple handcuffs to rope restraints, gags, or even cages. 

An intro to dominance and submission…
A dominant is a sexual participant who takes on the role of “superior” and often controls the other person (their submissive). This type of partnership is often referred to as a D/s partnership within the BDSM community. 

Male dominants can be referred to as many different things, including Dom, Sir, Master, Daddy, etc. Female dominants are sometimes referred to as Domme, Mistress, Goddess, Domina, etc. 

According to Kinkly, a good dom/me is able to have self-control, respecting their submissive, and listening to the boundaries put into place. 

A submissive is a sexual participant who willingly gives up some (or all) control to a dominant partner during play. Submissives can be called various things as well, from “slave” to “

The important thing to note is that there are many different degrees of D/s relationships. Each one is incredibly individual to the partnership. From owning your D/s roles 24/7 and incorporating it into your lifestyle to only practicing dominance and submission during sex, there are many different ways you can include this dynamic into your life. 

Communication with your partner and a little soul searching will help you decide how you want to include this dynamic in your relationship. 

An intro to sadism and masochism…
Sadism describes the experience of taking pleasure from inflicting pain, humiliation, degradation, or cruelty onto someone else. Masochism describes the experience of taking pleasure from having those things inflicted upon you by someone else. 

While sadism and masochism can be part of a healthy BDSM relationship, it takes a lot of trust, communication, and experience to know just how far you can go with your partner (or how far they can be pushed) and you should communicate a lot about boundaries before bringing this into your sex life. 

Introducing masochistic behaviors into the bedroom can be intimidating, especially if your partner is (understandably) a little nervous and fears causing you pain. The key is to start slow, according to Kinkly. 

Spanking, for example, many people enjoy using during sex. Sadists will love spanking their partner and masochists will love being spanked - but you want to start lightly first, and with your hands only, slowly moving up to using tools like paddles or whips when you’re both ready. 

DDLG explained...
What is DDLG really about? This is a pretty divisive topic, so let me break it down into really simple terms. 

DDLG stands for Daddy Dom/Little Girl, and it’s ultimately a power exchange. Despite what you may believe, it’s not always incestuous or age-play related.

A Daddy Dom is a nurturing, gentle, less strict dominant (compared to other dom types). A Little Girl is a submissive who often identifies as an age younger than they are or exhibits childlike behavior without identifying as a specific age. 

DDLG can be roleplayed as incestuous, but not always. In many scenarios the Daddy Dom and Little Girl dynamic isn’t about incest, it’s about a protector and someone who needs protecting. Similarly, DDLG can include age play within the dynamic or it can simply be about the roles themselves as protector and protected. 

Discovering your BDSM personality…

How do you know what you identify as? How do you know who you are? How do you know what you will like? 

Discovering and refining your BDSM personality can take time, a little soul-searching, and some experimentation - but you’ll get there. 

Dominant 
Dominance isn’t as easy as you may think. There is a lot of responsibility, a lot of self-control, a lot of trust, and restraint that sometimes needs to go into being a dom. Power and influence can become incredibly intoxicating (we’ll talk more about dom-space at the end of the article), and respecting your submissive’s limits is essential. 

Dominance is a spectrum, just like submissiveness. There’s no “either you’re a dominant or you’re not” - it’s not quite that simple. There are many different forms of dominance and many different types of dom. Finding out what kind of dominant you are can be tricky, but there are a few dominant guidelines you should always follow - and soon you will find your way. 

Submissive
Submissiveness is a spectrum. You can fall anywhere on the spectrum, from extremely submissive to only submissive in certain situations. From “brat” to “slave”, there are about a million things in between that can be labeled as submission. 

Finding out who you are as a submissive is a deeply personal experience, even though you’re going through that experience (very likely) with a dominant by your side. Searching yourself for your hard and soft limits, for what submission means to you and for how you want to incorporate submission into your life can take a while, but it’s extremely worth it to figure out just how to engage in the right type of submission that will give you the most pleasure and satisfaction. 

While I’ve written an entire post on the things you should know if you identify as a submissive, the most important thing is that this isn’t a weakness, it’s a partnership. Entering into a submissive role with a dominant partner doesn’t mean you have no say in what happens, it means you trust your dominant partner to respect the limits you have. You trust and respect them enough to give them control and they trust and respect you enough not to abuse that.

Switch
Someone who identifies as a switch will be able to flow between dominance and submission, depending on the mood or the setting. This is someone who is able to have both dominant and submissive tendencies/preferences. You may lean more towards one or the other (for example, I consider myself a submissive switch, where I vastly prefer submission but could be dominant in the right circumstances). 

How do I know what I am?
Figuring out what kind of personality you are (dominant, submissive, or somewhere in between) can take a lot of experimentation and questioning. Ultimately, it’s something that you need to figure out for yourself but the most important thing to remember is that this can also be fluid. Just because you lean more towards submissive right now doesn’t mean that’s who you will be forever. 

For fun, there are a few different “tests” you can take online (like a personality quiz) that can help you figure it out. This particular BDSM test takes about 10 minutes to complete and I found it to be pretty accurate for myself. 

Bringing up BDSM with your partner…

How can you bring up BDSM play with your partner? 

Talking about sexual fantasies, boundaries and other intimate relationship things with your partner isn’t always easy, even if you have a fairly open and honest relationship. 

There are several ways you can start these types of conversations, but I think the most beneficial thing to do is to start with honesty and curiosity. 

Asking your partner some of the questions below can help open the conversation and get things flowing: 

1. What is your favorite sexual memory? 

2. What do you wish we would do more (or less) of? 

3. What’s your ultimate fantasy? 

4. Are you interested in using more (or less) sex toys in the bedroom? 

5. Do you feel you are more dominant or submissive? 

6. Do you wish I was more dominant or submissive? 

7. When you are alone, what type of porn do you typically like to watch? Would you like to watch it together sometime? 

Asking your partner(s) these types of questions in a non-confrontational way can help you assess what kind of relationship they would ideally like to have. Sharing answers to these questions with your partner can be an effective way of communicating what you want (or don’t want) to see more of in the bedroom. 

BDSM solo practices...

You don’t have to be partnered up to enjoy BDSM practices. Whether you’re a dom or sub, you can still experience your preferred role by yourself - here’s how…

Audioporn 
Listening to audioporn is one of the best ways to experience dominance or submission when you’re by yourself. Unlike visual porn that brings you into the fantasy by showing you sexual images, audioporn allows you to create your own fantasy, which is perfect for someone wanting to experiment with different BDSM scenarios but are unable to do so with a partner. 

There are many scenarios laid out in audioporn tracks where you are listening to a dominant giving orders or you are listening to a submissive obeying a dominant.

Interested ?

Self-bondage 
Self-bondage is a thing?! Yes, yes it is. I’ve already done a rather in-depth article about it (you can read it here), but the premise is simple: there are many different rope ties and restraint systems you can use yourself to indulge in your submissive side. 

A little tip: this is great for edging, too! 

Orgasm control/edging 
Orgasm control and edging are two of my favorite things, and edging I practice by myself all the time. These two things have essentially the same goal: don’t let yourself climax. 

Whether you choose to get right to the edge of the orgasm (edging) and not let yourself experience it right away or you choose to go an orgasm control route of not letting yourself masturbate for a certain number of days, there are lots of fun ways you can control yourself to indulge in both your dominance and/or submission.

JOI porn 
JOI stands for “jerk off instruction” and it’s exactly what it sounds like: someone giving you instructions on how to jerk off. Despite the name, JOI porn is also available for women. You can find F/F, M/F, or M/M JOI porn on practically any porn platform if you search for it. 

JOI porn is a great way to lean into your submissive side, listening to the instructions of someone in the comfort of your own home by yourself. 

What are “hard” and “soft” limits? 

“Hard” and “soft” limits are terms you may see frequently when searching around in the BDSM world...but what do they really mean? 

What are hard limits? 
A hard limit is typically set before BDSM play and it’s something that is strictly a no-go, off-limits, will not be attempted at any point for whatever reason. Partners can set hard limits so that the play remains safe and no boundaries are crossed without permission.

Both doms and subs can have hard limits, and these should be discussed ahead of time to ensure everyone is safe and happy. 

What are soft limits? 
Soft limits are things that you may be interested in but hesitant about exploring. Setting soft limits is important because it’s a discussion. It’s not like hard limits, where the action is completely off the table - but soft limits need to be negotiated and agreed upon before being practiced.

For example, a hard limit may be severe impact play with something like a cane, but a soft limit (something the person is willing to explore) could be spanking with a paddle. Soft limits are often things that initially are a no go, but after a while with the same person where a good bond is built, these things may become more comfortable and easy to engage in. 

How to communicate your limits to your partner...
You should communicate your limits to your partner clearly and often, preferably having a conversation before every session. Of course, when you’re with someone long-term, you begin to know each other’s boundaries, and this conversation may not feel needed every single time you have sex. This is why safewords exist. If you find your partner is getting close to crossing a hard limit line, say something. Pause the scene and discuss your limits and emotions. 

Being honest and open with your partner about the things you like (and don’t like) can be tricky, but it’s essential in creating the kind of deep, intimate, trusting bond that dominants and submissives share.

The BDSM community can be very helpful and welcoming…

When it comes to being a BDSM newbie, the world can seem quite intimidating - but people within the community can be exceptionally welcoming and helpful resources for learning the ropes (bondage pun, couldn’t resist!). 

Twitter
Twitter is now known as Tumblr-refugee land, where NSFW content is not only allowed but very common. With this, there are lots of different places you could go to find advice on the BDSM scene. 

Forums 
There are also lots of different forums you can browse through and post questions on. Some popular ones include FetLife, Fetish.com, and The Cage. 

Ask a BDSM friend 
The great thing about people who enjoy BDSM play is that they usually aren’t afraid to talk about it! Opening yourself to this new world of sexual bliss can be intimidating, and if you have a close friend (either online or IRL) who is a few steps ahead of you in their sexual journey, talking to them about how to navigate this exciting new sexual experience can be a great way to have questions answered and doubts quelled. 

Aftercare is essential.

What is aftercare and why is it maybe the most important thing in this entire article? Aftercare refers to the time and attention given to partners after an intense sexual experience. While many people think aftercare is only for submissives, many doms appreciate (and sometimes need) aftercare, too. 

Really, it’s about connecting with and “coming down from the high” of the sexual experience with your partner. 

Speaking about the highs...

What is domspace and dom drop? 
Simply explained, dom space is an intense, altered state of consciousness that a dominant person may feel during or directly after a BDSM scene. 

Dom drop can happen once dom-space subsides, leaving dominants feeling emotional/physical lulls or lows. 

With dom space, many describe it as feeling high or euphoric. Everything is amplified. Some doms also experience a higher sense of intuition and a stronger, more intimate connection with their partner. 

The important thing to remember about dom space is that as a dom, you need to stay in control during a BDSM scene because your submissive is relying on you to respect their boundaries. This can be extremely difficult at times. 

Despite needing to stay in control, there is still a kind of “release” that doms can feel where they “let go” of the outside world and are hyper-focused on their submissive and the BDSM scene they are in. 

What is subspace and sub drop? 
Sub-space is a state of being experienced by submissives, and there are generally two different types of subspace one can experience. The first is a physiological subspace, which can be experienced through sustained pain play. The second is psychological subspace, which can be experienced through BDSM play regardless of what is being physically experienced. 

Psychological subspace feels like a euphoric trance-state, almost like you’re floating. While it can feel different for everyone, when I’ve entered subspace, it’s felt euphoric but also very open. Like my heart and my body have been split open for my dom to experience. It’s not painful, it’s kind of beautiful and peaceful, like sharing a deep part of your soul with someone else. 

This article explaining subspace by someone who’s experienced it may be helpful in understanding more about what it can be like. 

How can we support each other? 
Dom and subspace can be different for everyone, but there are always ways you can support each other through to the other side. 

Aftercare can look different depending on the couple or the experience you’ve just shared, but there are a few ideas that you could use listed below: 

• Communication: ask how they are feeling, talk about how you’re feeling, reassure them they did good (this goes for both doms and subs, both need reassurance sometimes!)

• Physical comfort: cuddling, hugging, kissing, providing water, or tending to any wounds (bruises, welts, etc) that could have been inflicted during play. 

• Emotional comfort: providing hugs, kisses, words of affirmation, making sure your partner feels safe and comfortable, letting them hear your voice. 

“Coming down” from a BDSM play high can be an intense experience. Being there for each other and supporting each other through the transition will look different for each person and each couple, but it is something you absolutely should take the time to do once the BDSM scene has ended.